“This photo captures my innermost authentic desire in life --- to have my own family with a conscious partner I can grow and heal with.
This has become my life since my Ayahausca retreat in 2019. It has been a natural unfolding of the unfamiliar experiences and deeply familiar feelings I knew I have always desired.
My 'awakening' began in 2015 when I had hit rock bottom and woke up to realize how much my childhood trauma controlled my life to my own advantage and detriment. I have accomplished as much as I have lost. Life always felt like a mountain I needed to climb. Happiness and contentment always felt foreign, far and unattainable, a hidden destination I could never find.
I have felt lost many times in my healing journey, misled by false guides, gurus, coaches, wisdom and other ego-driven personal development programs. But most of all, I was misled by my own ego.
My healing journey became an endless unpeeling of an onion that just kept growing new layers of skin as I struggled to feel liberated of my trauma.
That finally changed when I went on Ryan's ayahuasca retreat. It is still the main program that got me where I needed to be today. It was the first time in my life I have learned to forgive my mother for not being the mother I needed her to be when I was a child. It was exactly what I needed to process immensely --- to mourn my loss and her loss while I was in her womb.
I remember how much I wailed that night. I wailed endlessly while I was in my mother's womb. I felt her pain as if I was her but she could not feel mine. That was my (un)welcoming to the world. My mother was young, on her own and not ready to have another child.
Words are not enough to describe the depth of my experience that evening and how much trauma I held on to my whole life. Mother Aya helped me release some of the intergenerational trauma deeply entrenched in the veins of my family so that I could learn to not pass it on to my own child.
Today I can look at my child with so much presence. I am slowly becoming the mother I needed to my own child.
Ryan created such a beautifully crafted healing program that opened so many avenues I needed to further grow. They have designed the program so consciously as if they were walking on our shoes and knew exactly what each of us needed to hear, feel, see and experience after every fragile breakthroughs in our healing.
From Lesley's beautiful garden where we were held delicately by San Pedro, the sunset views of the mountains as we slowly emerged from the cave of our experiences to adventuring in Machu Picchu like a family. These memories will stay with me as one of the most precious memories I have in my life.
Thank you so much Ryan for your courageous hearts and generous capacity to hold a safe space during our darkest moments. This path you have chosen is not for the faint of hearts. You will always both be in my prayers to continue wishing you both more courage, compassion and resilience in such meaningful and healing work the world needs more of today.
Justine C., Alberta, Canada
Peru Retreat 2019